High School Stars (or, How I learned to Stop Worrying and Decide Which Seat to Take)

The internet is a frightening, desolate place.
It has spawned many horrible things over the past 20 years of public availability- 4chan, Chris Crocker, Rick Rolling and the Meme (to name a few). For all of it's achievements, there are at least a million things the internet is responsible for that you probably wish you could un-see.
The newest of these abominations is Rebecca Black, and her song 'Friday'.


Recently declared by Newsbeat's Technology Reporter as the "Worst Song Ever" (and I guess Radio 1 has the most experience of bad songs to be able to say this), Friday is an attempt by Rebecca Black to gain worldwide fame as an 13 year old internet musician. Some may argue that this has worked, as her official video on Youtube now has over 25 million views (as of time of writing).The reason, however, for her fame, is the ridiculously poor quality of the song- as you will have just seen. The lyrics are of particular interest, as they appear to make no sense at all;

"Kickin’ in the front seat
Sittin’ in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?"

"Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday
Today is Friday, Friday (Partyin’)
Tomorrow is Saturday
And Sunday comes afterwards"

According to some information released about the video, it was made by a record company in Los Angeles called Ark Music Factory - a company that apparently deals with unsigned 'talent'. Now, terrible lyrics aside, that means that someone must have forked over a lot of money to make that deal happen. My bets are that Rebecca didn't pay for it with her pocket money. Mummy and Daddy Black did. For what reason?

Currently, another child star is dominating the hearts and minds of young impressionable boys and girls everywhere. He's Canadian, he's produced a film called 'Never Say Never', and his name rhymes with Hustin Nieber. I'm talking of course about 15 year old Justin "I don't know what German means" Bieber, who is probably making more money after less than 2 years of his career than John Lennon made over 20 years. It's no surprise, then, that there are some parents out there who want to make a quick buck out of their children in the hope that they may get as lucky as Bieber.

It is a terrible thing to see, children as young as 8 or 9 being thrust into the limelight by overbearing and pushy parents who want their slice of the fame that others have seen before them. It's not new- how could we forget Lindsay Lohan, who has probably made more of a name for herself since she started hanging around with Paris Hilton than she ever did when she was in the Parent Trap. Michael Jackson is perhaps the number 1 example of what happens to child stars, having been pushed into the business at just 6. There are many other examples, but you don't need me to tell you that they very often end the same way - drugs, sexual abuse or suicide. Except for maybe Wil Wheaton, of Star Trek fame, who still appears to be normal and drug-free more than 20 years after his fame died.

In my opinion, child stars are not really children at all, merely under-developed adults- forced prematurely into the adult world by popularity. They will never be able to experience the innocence of childhood because they are placed high on a pedestal in the public eye at an age when they should be out grazing their knees and picking their noses. They cannot act as a child should because everyone is watching them. Therefore, despite them MAYBE having some talent, like being able to sing really well or act, they shouldn't be exposed to fame. Huge amounts of fame will no doubt make the kid in question feel like they can do anything and they will be loved for it. When it's over, and their fame declines, it could be hard to accept that people don't think they're awesome anymore, maybe for no apparent reason. How is a child supposed to understand the fickleness of the public? It's a concept that could drive anyone to depression, drink and drugs, let alone a child. In my opinion, encouraging a child to become famous is nothing more than a indirect form of child abuse.

Relating back to our friend Rebecca Black, she has tasted fame not because of her talents, but because of the cruelty of the internet. We watch her video because it's bad - so bad it's funny. In her case, she might well believe that we like her because she has talent, but this would be a lie. She could well go though life thinking that her fame is deserved, and try and get even bigger. When she discovers the root of her fame is based on ridicule, imagine the damage this could cause and could already be causing. Has she recognised that she is being made a fool of, or does she think we like her because she's a good singer/songwriter? I'll leave you to decide that.

Hanging with the clowns

Will Farrell-what is the point of this man?

Look at that "Love me" smile... you make me sick!

12 solid hours of watching his film career unfold on a bus from Zurich has taught me that possibly his only merit is his unbelievably annoying voice and equally irritating "Oooh look how awesome I am" demenor that comes naturally to underservingly famous comedians like him. I sat through all of Anchorman, Zoolander and Blades of Glory and I didn't laugh once. In fact, I found his so-called "humor" a complete failure, mostly being attacks on women and homosexuals. I thought as a race we'd got past such humor, but apparently once again America is trailing behind. Add to this the face-pulling lunacy that Jim Carrey and Robin Williams have practiced to a fine art, and you have possibly the most childish and irritating comedian I have ever had the misfortune of watching.
I've found it rather interesting that in any movie that stars Will Farrell, Owen Wilson (an equally irritating actor/comedian) and Ben Stiller feature with him. Ben Stiller is actually not bad as far as his acting is concerned (see Meet The Fockers and Meet The Parents), so I find it a shame that he is associated with such dire comedians.

It is totally beyond me how anyone with a brain cell can find someone like Mr Farrell remotely funny. Another offender of the same calibur is Jeff Dunham, the (in)famous ventriloquist responsible for Achmed The Dead Terrorist, who has no doubt been plaguing you in the form of ringtone adverts for a while.

Die...

Believe me, if you've never seen any of Jeff Dunham's work, avoid it like the black death. You'd have more fun flossing with razor wire. Allow me to elaborate; I watched a skit with one of his characters, a puppet fashioned to look like a middle-class, middle-aged American man called Walter. Again, sexism and homophobia a-plenty, but two things stood out for me; his "catchphrase" is a sound resembling a donkey giving birth to a elephant through its ear, which always results in an eruption of hysterics from the audience (most of which looked like trailer-trash in the show I was watching). Making stupid noises is really not funny or clever unless you're drunk or stoned. Secondly, there was a moment that I watched open-mouthed when a member of the audience left the hall to go to the toilet. Dunham clocked this, and decided it would be pants-pissingly hilarious to wait for, no joke, around 7 minutes for the guy to return from the toilet, the audience again laughing hysterically. How is that clever, witty or funny? I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw it.

It's certainly true to say that it appears to be American humor that frustrates and annoys me, and one could say that this is because I am English and therefore tuned into a different type of comedy. However, that doesn't mean that all British comedians are therefore hilarious to me; Ricky Gervais, the man responsible for The Office and Extras, is very much a one-trick pony in my eyes.

Resembling David Brent in more ways than one...

Now don't get me wrong, I loved The Office. It was smart, tragic and hilarious. David Brent was a cringeworthy character that I truely hated, but I never expected him to revisit me in Gervais' other work. The protagonist in Extras is very much the same deal; awkward, embarrassing and un-funny. One could say that perhaps that character was designed to be the same as David Brent, but then check out Gervais' stand-up; it's the same again. It does seem as if awkward and un-funny is the only act he can pull-off, which is why I can't understand why people find him funny.

Comedy, in the end, is subject to the audience. Someone out there must cry with laughter at everything Jeff Dunham says (I actually know someone like that personally), and apparently enough people find Will Farrell funny to keep him working on films. Someone found Ricky Gervais so funny that he was named Outstanding Lead Actor for his performance in Extras.

I'll stick to Dylan Moran and Eddie Izzard. Cake, please.

Ho-Hum

So yes, here I am with my own shiny new blog.

...It's very empty at the moment, hopefully I'll fill it with all my stray thoughts and ramblings and rants (a lot of those, yes).

Just to give you an idea as to why I have decided to publish my ramblings on the internets, it's mainly because I hope to become a journalist in the future, and I thought that because of the seeming lack of work experience that doesn't involve advertising coffee mornings and self-help for expats who can't seem to handle living somewhere without Cadbury's and PG-Tips, I'd explore and exhibit my writing technique by doing weekly (or daily, depending on how addicted to this I become) bllog posts. How I'm going to eventually show this to my future university to prove I'm not a idiot is beyond me, but it's good for the practice, eh?

Yeah, I can just imagine myself in 10 years time writing snappy and cutting editorials for The Times, grilling the odd politician about the government's recent blunders, commenting on the current state of the nation, that sort of thing. Could also end up working for Private Eye, writing utter nonsense about something or other. Now that would be good, I like Private Eye.

You'll never find me working for a tabloid, though. Never. My brain would melt if I was exposed to the pathetic goo that is celebrity worship (unless people were worshipping me, of course). I find people who constantly need to know about how many face-lifts Sharon Osbourne has had, or how many african children Madonna has adopted incredibly annoying. As if it matters... the whole point of being a human being is to be unique and induvidual, rather than hanging on the every word of a blonde, big-breasted bimbo who's only claim to fame is said big-breasts. If it really matters what celebrities are eating, wearing or thinking, why don't you just become one of those celebrity look-a-like people? That way you can be like them without bothering any of us real people.


...oh dear... I did warn you about the rants.